Another Excerpt from my book

Please give some feedback if possible. It is kinda long. Worth reading though

I Have Cancer

I was hanging out with the wrong people again. Going riding, drinking and smoking pot like it was cigarette. Work had me stressed out and Theresa just didn’t want to work. She was determined to stay home. So I busted my ass working as many hours as possible to keep us above debt lines. It was a loosing battle. We went out to her dads one weekend and the bomb dropped on both of us.

Bob announced he had stomach cancer. His brother had died from the same thing a few months earlier. Theresa and I both went different directions. I worked harder. At the same time not being there for her. One of my supposed friends saw this and moved in on our marriage. The whole time lying to me. By April of 1998, I had moved out as Theresa admitted to having an affair with my friend. I guess it was true “trust me with your life, not your money or your wife.” All this is the hardest part of the book for me to write. It is a time in my life that was filled with betrayal and lies. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I lost one of the few men I could talk too. I was loosing my family to an asshole. I lost it. That is the best way to put it. I simply lost it. Life meant jack shit to me. I was filled with rage. I smoked more pot, drank heavily and didn’t give a shit about my kids when I did have them on the occasional weekend. I moved into a new place and one night I decided I was done. I was going out with a bang.

I got on my bike and rode down Decker Canyon like a mad man. Tears filled my eyes, I was begging God to kill me. I wanted out. With each corner I looked for an oncoming car as I rode faster than my piece of crap would go. The last corner on the road is a tight “S” curve. I had made a ten miles trip in a break neck speed. I hit that corner knowing death was waiting. I made the damn turn. I got to the bottom of the road onto PCH highway and rode to Leo Carrillo beach. Parked my bike and walked to the rocks. I watched a distant storm come in that night. I sat there as it hit in all the thunder and lightning cussing God out. Why wouldn’t he take me? Why the hell was he doing this to me. I screamed at the ocean at the top of my lungs. “Just fucking take me damn it.” That is what I screamed for hours. The storm left and the sun rose. Still I sat there wanting nothing more than to die. I had nothing and I was nothing as a man. I had failed yet again. Just give me hell was all I asked for. It had to be better than what I was living through.

God is mysterious. He puts people in our lives that just can’t be explained rationally. It is simply divine intervention. My roommate Mike pulled up with surfboards in tow. I saw him get out and come to the rocks. He smiled and greeted me. Wondered where I had been. I told him. I just tried to die and failed at that. He replied “Surf is Up, lets go see if the sea will take you.” I paddled out that morning and began to feel a tugging on my heart. My friend and I surfed that morning. We talked between sets. His words were profound. God doesn’t need you or want you yet. You have work to do. I don’t know what it is. But God does. Just shut up and see where he takes you.

My friend knows no religion. He professes no faith. Yet he kicked my ass that morning. We finished up and drove into work. My bike and the boards in his truck. I decided that day it didn’t matter what Theresa did. If she really loved me things would change. If not it was pay back for all the girls I cheated on when I was teenager.

The next weekend was Easter. I had my kids with me. I had moved out of Mike’s house into a rented room in Thousand Oaks, CA. near my buddy Bill’s house. Bill and I were tight for years. Until Theresa used him to serve me a restraining order and divorce papers. In one moment she killed a friendship between the three of us. To this day I don’t think Bill ever got over how she used him. Just how much of a bitch she was being. Bill called and told me he was going to a new church and asked if I would go with him and our other friend Tim on Sunday. I said sure. Bill picked me and the kids up that morning. I had no idea what to expect. Especially since I didn’t know Tim was even Christian. Bill and I debated faith back and forth for years. Both of us with Catholic upbringings. At 10:30 on Easter Sunday 1998 I walked into Cornerstone Community Church. Waiting for the building to fall in on me.

It was the first time I had ever been to a church like this. I was surrounded by a ton of people lifting their voices in praise to God. Remembering what Easter was about. I was feeling weird. Really weird. I held my son has he fussed. They started singing a song I never heard. I don’t know why or how but I started singing. The song was “Shout to the Lord” The Chorus in part says “ Shout to the Lord all the earth let us sing,. Power and Majesty praise to king. The mountains fall down and the earth will roar at the sound of your name.” My heart woke up and the tears flowed down my face. Tim’s mom took Dalton and Cheyenne as I just wept. At the end of service I was introduced to the pastor. Francis spoke with me in detail as I recommitted my life to Christ. He invited me surfing the next morning. We left the church and went back to Tim’s house for lunch. I was beginning to come alive again. I don’t know why but I felt God was listening again. Good or bad he wanted to hear from me. I went home and took out a bible and began reading again. I read through the night making notes. I wrote poems like I hadn’t written in years.

I spent the next month or more getting myself back together. I stopped the dope and booze again. Called my first love from High School we talked and went out a few times. I thought maybe she was the one I was suppose to marry. After a long walk and talk we both came to agree that wasn’t what God wanted for either of us. We hung out as friends often. She helped get me through a lot.

At the same time God was bringing me back, Theresa was having her “Come to Jesus moment.” We got back together for a brief period. Francis had introduced us to one of my dearest friends. Frank Tomlinson. Frank is a former Old School LAPD Homicide detective. He had moved to the LAPD after being a cop in Kansas City where he had a hit placed on him by the mob. Frank stayed on the LAPD for 20-25 years. He and his partner still hold the record for the most Homicide cases closed. In his office was a picture of all the Detective in RHD. I remembering seeing one of Bob Kestler’s old best friends in the pictures. Telling myself as I looked that this will be interesting.. Frank had gone from hard ass cop to a biblical counselor. A transition that actually now makes since. As both investigate to solve a puzzle or a crime of the heart. I remember our first meeting and feeling so at ease. Even though we were facing the demise of our marriage. Frank comes back into play many times as this story continues. After only about two weeks of talking I moved back in with Theresa and the kids. Then she told me she was pregnant from the affair.

I tried my best to work through things but I was raging again. Theresa left one day to go talk to her ‘lover” told me all would be fine. She even gave me her wedding ring saying she loved me and would be back. Three hours later, all was over. She called me and said she wanted to talk. I went to our condo and she was standing there with her lover. I was told by both that we weren’t getting back together. That her lover “felt I had no right to raise his child” Theresa just sat there brain washed by the bull shit he was feeding her. She would look at me like I had never seen. The look was between fear and disgust for me.. I was messed up. Ready to start my life over so far away from all this shit. I had offers to move to Virginia, Costa Rica, even Bogotá to do computer work . All were very tempting to me but I couldn’t watch my kids be raised and abused by her lover.

I went back to my old landlord and asked to rent a different room. One of my co-workers from NetZero had taken my room. We all agreed it was cool for me to move back in. I was disappointed with God again. I called Frank and met with him. He simply said move on. It is over Theresa has made up her mind. Until she finds her heart with the truth that lays inside there you have nothing left with her. She doesn’t know love or responsibility. It is her time to rebel. Just pray for her. Pray you can find a way to forgive her.

I did as he said and moved on. I kept going to church. Tried to do what was right by the word. I didn’t do so great. I was lonely. I met with Frank a few more times. Than I just stuck my head into work. I would work 72 hours straight. As it was all I really had. I met a girl on line. Word of warning. Don’t always think a match is a match when it comes to internet dating site. This a complete hind sight statement.. We dated. The sex was decent. Nothing much to write home about yet we moved in together. I was basically having my affair as our divorce wasn’t final. Theresa came down one weekend to bring a seat for Dalton to eat at. I wasn’t there when she came by. My girlfriend was pissed that she showed up. Called me and I told her to just mellow.

The next day we went to church. It was the first time we had gone together. I felt uneasy as we went into church. Like I was crossing a line I shouldn’t be. Francis pointed this out to me at the end of service. We walked out and I introduced him to her. He looked at me and said. ”Don’t come back here.” I asked why. He said you’re no better than your wife. You’re not divorced yet you’re living with this girl. Great example for your kids.” We left and my girlfriend bitch’d the whole ride home. I knew what Francis had said was right. I didn’t say much as she raged on and on. I dropped her off and went to my buddies house. That family was the one Theresa had worked for when we had first been married. Scotty and I talked the afternoon away. I went back home late. Slept on the couch. Got up and went to work. Stayed at work until Friday. Crashing at the building or in my car. I had the kids that weekend. I picked them up as usual. Theresa looked different. Her “lover” had been in jail for some time now and was getting out. I had no idea what was going to happen that weekend. God again is mysterious.

My girlfriend and I fought most of the weekend. I was moving out as soon as I found a place. That was that. Scotty offered his couch and I accepted. I took the kids to church that Sunday when I got home there was a message from my brother in law. He told me to bring the kids to T’s mom’s house. Not our condo. Something had happened to Theresa. I tried calling several times to the house but there was no answer. Her mom wouldn’t answer her phone. I finally got a hold of her brother. He told me that Theresa had been hurt in a fight with her “Lover.” The cops were looking for him now. Seems he beat the shit out of her and tore the house up pretty good.

I took the kids over to Grandma’s as I pulled into the driveway I saw Theresa’s car there. I asked God to give the right words for her. Part of me so wanted to say. “Suits ya right, ya lying bitch.” I never said that, (that day.) Instead Theresa talked. She apologized. Told me what had happened. As I was getting ready to leave she asked if I would stay her friend. She missed having my friendship. She told me I was her best friend that the thought of loosing that was hurting her inside. I gave a very tentative “Sure”. It will take some time but sure.


The Road Back

I went back to my apartment with my girlfriend and ended the relationship. I packed up my life into a duffel bag and drove off to Scotty’s. He and I talked that night for a long time about love and God. How the two couldn’t exist apart from one another. He was going through his divorce as well. He told me I had a chance to keep the friendship with Theresa. That was more than he had. I called Frank the next day for a meeting. We met later in the week. I told him I had no idea what was going on. My anger was going away, I was able to forgive Theresa for everything. He looked at me with the detectives eyes. Asked how I came to that conclusion. I didn’t have an answer. I just knew it was time to let God do his part. As doing things my way seemed to screw things up worse. He laughed. Prayed with me and sent me on my way.

Theresa called me the next day and asked if I would meet her for lunch. She was treating. I said okay. We sat and talked the lunch hour away. She was healing up and the ultrasound showed no damage to the baby. I was relieved. As lunch ended she asked if I would start coming over for dinner and help put the kids to bed. This must have been a huge step for her. We laid down some ground rules. Main one being if she was playing me again, I will take the kids and leave her. I wasn’t doing this again.

We were on the road back. I would come over for dinner play with the kids and watch TV. Help put them to bed, then Theresa and I would talk. She would tell me about her day and how she felt her Dad was kicking her ass from heaven for what she did. We built our friendship and trust for one another back up over the next few months. I was falling in love with her all over. This time we built a new foundation through a lot of biblical counseling. Making God first in our lives and friendship. I moved back into our house when Theresa was about 7 months pregnant. It was so incredibly hard to sleep in the bed where she had her “Lover”. I remember how I sat in a tree across the street with a .308 rifle ready to kill her and him for what they did. Now I sat there praying that God give me his strength.

Work had started to suck for me. My boss was using heavily and her behavior was out of control. She walked into the center one day screaming at my team at the top of her lungs that we all were fornicating pieces of dung. Her words were worse. I quit that afternoon. I called Theresa and told her. She said “Thank God” So with no job or options for a job. I went home. We had bought a couples bible the week before and I was looking forward to just doing the days study with Theresa. That job kicked my ass. I was glad to be free for a little while. Theresa and I unfiled our divorce papers during that time as she was going to court dates for the assault charges on the dick head.

I got a new job a week or so later. It would send the family on another adventure. In this whole time of my life, I was laid out for what I committed to years earlier. God calls his children home and will discipline them. This was my time for forging. It was the hardest time of my life. The hardest, only God’s grace pulled us through. With that grace came redemption and new love for my wife and family. As well as a new love for our child to come. My Hope had come alive.