Did I really just do that??

I had an extremely intense dream last night that had me awaken at 5:00 in the morning with tears running down my face. Alone I began to write it down as I closed my eyes to remember the details. It took me almost four hours to get it written down and sent too the person. After spending that much time looking at the vivid images of my own heart. I needed a break. I also knew it was time to finally get rid of everything that was holding me back.

I got on my mistress and headed for the beach. We were going to do something today that I have been holding back as my way out. My way to run away when things get too hard in what lays deepest in my heart. We rode down the winding road like we were one ball of pissed off anger. Knees dragging I could feel her heat rise between my legs with each corner. She was breathing heavy by the time we hit the flats. I throttled her up squeezing her between my legs as we just rode to our destination. We crested the hill looking at the old "Hotel California"She had her front end up in the air with about an 1/8th of inch of rubber actually touching the ground on her rear wheel. We descended gaining speed. At the bottom she had me slam her down three gears as the clutch came out her rear tire backed us into the corner looking down at 88 mph. As I was dragging my knee on the ground. I sped up for the next hard right. Locking up upon entry to the corner. This corner 75 mph. In front of me now was straight road. I felt that urge that seems to scare those close too me. Yet, I had to get this done.

I am not suppose to tell my bride how fast I go as she feels ignorance is bliss. As I turned onto Los Posas road I tucked into the closest thing I have too a woman right now. My head tucked behind the wind screen I jammed it. As I entered the first sweeping right hand turn I looked down to see 204 mph looking back at me. I just squeezed her harder and tucked myself in a little more. Next corner I was at 206 as I made my way through drifting into the oncoming lane. I lifted my body to air brake before planting myself in the grill of a car or the local fields. Dragging her down to 180 I began safely braking for the turn onto PCH. I rode down to one of my favorite spots. Parked and crossed PCH to Neptune's and bought myself a 32-40 ounce MGD and crossed back over to the small cliffs of county line. I found a rock that gave a great view of the ocean. I opened my beer and took a sip. Damn did it taste good. I put my helmet down and took off my riding jacket opening the ass pouch built into it.

I took the letters from a parent that in my eyes could give a shit if I live or die. Excuse #1 to walk away from my calling. The American flag my mentor wore on his arm as he served this nation blood stained from when he took his life in front of his daughter. Excuse # 2 to walk away. Two hazel green marbles that symbolize the eyes of the life I took in the streets of El Paso in my youth. Excuse # 3. Letters of hate for me from a gamut of people. Excuse #4. Finally a piece of what happened between my wife and I when we went our separate ways. Excuse #5.

All of these combined are what I held onto as a way for me to escape back to a life I once I lived where things were safe. Where i could put up a facade and be just another fake ass piece of shit taking up space on this planet. This week I have had the highest of highs and lowest of lows. The dream from the night before was the final catalyst for this moment. I drank my beer slowly as I felt the sun on my body. Looking at the words from some one that should have loved better. The flag of our nation tainted in blood from wounds suffered long after combat had given way to peace. The marbles. Now that was a trip too look at.

I was holding my anchors to my freedom in my hands in the place that has seen me at my worst and took me back at my best. Yet, I couldn't move. Finally a song began to play in my ear buds I hadn't heard in quite some time. I finished my beer in a long swig and poured out whatever remnant remained. I stuffed in the letters. The flag the marbles and 40 years worth me not knowing if I could really be me. I sealed the bottle up. I climbed down the cliff to the rocks below. As the waves crashed on the shore I went back to the dream of the night before and just what it all meant.

I procrastinated some more as I was throwing every excuse I had left away. With that I would have no exit strategy. I would have nothing to let me walk from those that hurt when shit got too deep. Do you see the hugeness of this moment?

I let that bottle fly with all I had in me as it hit the ocean it was carried out with the tide. I took my shirt off for the first time in public in about 18 years. Climbed back up the cliff and watched the ocean some more. Sending photos and video's to those closest to me.

I picked up my gear and walked back to my mistress. Knowing I had just let everything go. That I would never again ask someone to do something I was not willing to do myself. I put my shirt back on as to not cause an accident on PCH. I see the headline "Dolphin Whale found walking on PCH 18 car pile up ensues, News at 11."

As I turned to head back home I felt a peace rush over me like I was a kid again. I have one stunt in my bag of tricks when it comes to stunts. So I felt like I would have fun letting go and doing it. As I came around the bend from County line I dropped from 6th to the 3rd gear and Punched the throttle. She responded by coming up on her back wheel. I shifted up to fifth and stood up on the pegs waving at the cars as the passed on the opposite side. I reached forward and slapped a kiss on my league sticker. Then spanked my ass for the cars behind me. I know I am childish at times.. Okay most of the time. I held this for two miles. Finally my ass cramped up and I but her front end down. I rode the rest of the way home within the speed limit.. As I came back up Potrero Road we danced one more time through the winding twisting road. sliding in the gravel at the edge. Dodging cars on their descent as they were taking my lane away.

I got home and talked with my wife and shared all I just did. Her response was "I am speechless." I replied "Kinda cool isn't it." My partner called me a short time later to debrief for the week on what we are both counseling on.

As I got in my truck the following song was being played. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWE2FCTXBrI

I looked up and thanked him for all he has done for my family, friends and me. Now I stand stripped of excuses. It's kinda fun having your bare ass hanging in the wind.. Just wish I would have had that tattoo put there..