I'm Broken

Today I said goodbye to one of the greatest guys I have ever known. While I spoke with his brother the memories long stuffed away came back. The faces of people I knew when I was a little shit that couldn't make sense of who the hell I was came back into view.

This is the 25 Th person I have known to die this year. Another war vet another one of America's hero's. My ad vocation is to help all that come to me. To sacrifice every part of what I have to make sure they find that Love that is pure and true. To bring warriors back from the brink of self destruction. To build up those that have fallen. No thanks is needed. yet today I am am weak and broken. The super man cap illusion is long gone. I just want to get drunk and feel the pain of the loss of friends. From Marines to Corpsman that died trying to save my brothers in arms in a foreign sand. To the women I reached a hand out too to help that went back to be beaten to death by sick little boys parading around in the body of a man.

I hurt today. My greatest part of my heart is miles away. Yet, I am right where I am suppose to be. I hurt. I feel broken. I surrender what is left of my strength and try to seek the peace within. That awakens me to fight again. Yet, I fucking feel pissed off. I look out the window at my bike and the thought of riding her run through the head. To take some tequila and beer and ride into the sunset and get shit fucking skunk drunk. A shot for each soul I have said goodbye too.

To stop on the end of some canyon that ends at the beach. Walk out on the shore and just see how fucking small life is in this world. I saw friends I have known for years cry today. Friends I have known since I was 4 years old. Jeff B. still strong and poised like he has always been. Jim N my best friend for years give words that I couldn't say. Then I spent time with someone that has known me better than I knew myself. She called me on my shit and it felt good to know she knew me so well so many years ago.

I raise another shot of tequila and some more beer. Numbness eludes me. The pain is still there. The faces of those I have said goodbye still flash in my eyes. I am suppose to be the strong one. Why the hell do I feel so lost. So broken. In life there is death. I have known that for years.

Is it the tequila and the MGD. Was it the unit coins I threw off the bow of the Midway? Was it seeing my past in the present that has dulled the blade of my integrity? My bike still sits outside my window calling the daemons in me to come out and play. To take her out and just haul ass. The devil in her is ever present. I look at my helmet and gear and wonder what it would be like to ride like a bat out of hell. Then reality breaks through in the images of my family. My son looking at me with the mini me smile. My youngest saying "Hi Daddy"

I am a man educated in the ways of the Lord. Yet right now I scream at him. Fist raised hard music pounding in my ears. "Pain is weakness leaving the Body." that is what I say time and again. Well right now I want to be drunk and feel the pain. I want to see the faces of those I have loved and then watched die. My mistress can kiss my ass as we will not be together tonight. The tequila and the beer are put away. Yet, numbness is so far away. How is that for an image bearer. I feel pain. I cry. I hurt.

As I finish writing this I look in my e-mail and see words from my bride with a song attached. I listen with my eyes closed as I type this knowing once again, I make a choice to stand at the gates of hell and dance with the devil. Sometimes he wins. Sometimes good wins, tonight in the bottom of my heart I look towards heaven and surrender. Asking for a measure of strength once more. I surrender this day and this moment. Knowing if he deems me a new day. The fight is back on. For life. For Love. For freedom

"Saepe Expertus, Semper Fidelis, Fratres Aeterni" "Often Challenged, Always Faithful, Brothers forever,

S/F
Smokin Chaplain