A Decision on a Coin Toss

For Months I have been agonizing between being the IT professional I have been for years, the storm chaser that has this mirage of riches in the worst moments of peoples lives. Then there is the Counselor. The part of me that takes everything God ever blessed me with and allows me into the hearts of others to help bring them back from the ass kickings in life. I have often lost site of who I am. What I am or what I am suppose to be. Each day seems to bring the answer closer and closer to me. Yet I am so stubborn, that I don't see the "Forest through the trees."

I have gone to my knees so many times in prayer asking for this job or that. Something that puts food on the table for my family. Keeps the roof over our head. The daily shit we all go through to make sure we provide safety and security for our families. To those that know me well I live from what is deep inside my heart most days. Those absolutely closest to me know that what is in there is this raging fire to make a difference. Not in an arrogant fashion. On a stage in front of millions going " Hey Look at me!!!" It is a burning desire to just sit and listen to the hardest things people have ever experienced in Life. To be one on one and have them know my heart and what reigns within. To for lack of a better term be the "middle man" between the twisted things this world has and the Grace that is afforded us all if we take a different journey.

The world walks in the door and bitch slaps me down. I have sat staring at a bullet I have had since the day my wife and I bought the Glock. I sat here this morning looking at it. Rolling it around in my fingers. Filing of the ridges in the hollow point. It is something I have done for years. Some think it is the bullet that will be used the moment I decide to give a BJ to the barrel of the gun. At times it has been. Now it is different. It is a symbol I hold. It represents lost friends and fallen mentors. It reminds me that life is easily taken with it's force inside the proper firearm. Most of all it reminds that we have all been wounded. That there is not one of that has had a life where we didn't loose part of our heart to something that evil brought upon us. Some have a Crucifix that they hold when they want to be closer to God. To have him hear their prayers. To just make the pain go away that is welling up within.

I don't have that. I have this .40 S&W Hollow Point Bullet. And a quarter. I have had enough of my ulcer bleeding through the night where the blood gets so bad that I spend half the night puking it out. I have had enough of teetering on a fence between what others want from me and what I know God has called of me. I am tired of feeling like the young man that asks Christ "What do I have to do to follow you?" Only to hear Christ reply " Give up your riches and join me." The very thought of giving up all the young man had scarred him to turning the other direction and not following. You never hear what happened to the young man after he walked away from having his chance to give it all up and walk side by side with Christ.

I listen to one of my favorite songs as I write this my fingers type. I look closely at the bullet and the quarter. Do I flip the coin? How far am I willing to go to follow what is in my heart? How much faith do I truly have that God is bigger than anything I can fathom and that he knows my heart intimately? That he loves what is there? Is a coin toss a leap of faith? I don't know but it is the easiest way I know how to make life altering decisions. Heads I pursue my heart with the reckless and calculated intelligence I have been blessed with. Tails, I walk away from the danger, the uncertainty, the joy that words can't describe when one sees someone find their own heart and the image they bear to the Lord above. Back to tasting my own blood night after night as I stress myself into a raging kinetic frenzy. That leads me to seeing my blood evacuate my belly. A looser or some farce of a man.

Well lets see. It is a one toss event. Not two out of three. One shot. I accept the decision and live out whatever the coin reveals.


The coin is in flight.

Well I'll be a monkeys freaking uncle. Would you look at that!!! Decision has been made. The profound thing in all of this when I looked down the words "In God We trust" were looking back at me. For those that don't have a quarter present that means Heads wins. A New Hampshire minted quarter there is some irony in that. "Live free or Die" is on the back.

The thinking is done. It is action time.

S/F
Smokin Chaplain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YlV-NEsYkA