Frustration

I awoke again in the middle of the night. Puking my guts out as the blood pooled within my belly. Blood sugar level at a low that I haven't felt in a long, long time. Yet, in all of it I sat and tried to talk with you again. I laid my burdens and fears in front of you. As I wretched time and again. I began thanking you for all you have given myself and my family. I thanked you for the trials we have been facing. I thanked you for the utter sense of incompetence that overwhelms me in my waking hours.



You tell us that you will never give us anything we can't handle. As I cleaned up I started to hear the song "Word of God Speak." A song long put back in the recesses of my mind and heart. For the frustration level as gone above any I have ever had in my life time. Frustration always leads to anger. I couldn't fathom why as I looked at my blood spilled out before me that I would be hearing this song in my head. I took more drags off my smoke and just listened to words in my head.



I went and laid my body back to rest. Sleep wasn't in the cards so I just laid there coughing and listening to the words of the song play over and over again in my head. Wondering if that was you speaking to me. That you took the words from a song to tell me that your word still does speak to me? That some how I have come through the nights of puking blood as my body over stresses on what I have perceived as your lack of action or presence in our household and hearts.



I finally did drift back off to sleep as the clock said 4:00 a.m. When I woke to hear the sound of my beloved bride getting ready for work. The words of the song came back. I closed my eyes and just listened to the words play over and over. With the tempo of the water falling from the shower. I got 45 minutes more of rest.



I woke with a sense of peace that you are in fact present. That you do actually care. That you will actually move in a way that gets this family back on track. I smiled for the first morning in a long time. I went outside to feel the coolness of the air as I smoked. My beloved came out to speak with me. In two minutes my smile was gone. My heart heavy once again.



At 2:30 in the morning my beloved finds herself in yelling match of frustration with you. She is angered at the "Plan" you speak of in Jeremiah 29:11. For she has no clue what the hell that plan is. She hears me get sick and wonders where you are. She sees how bad we struggle day in and day out and wonders if you are even open to hearing. As she speaks I hear frustration turn to anger with you. My heart begins to worry. In almost 17 years of marriage I have never seen her this angered and hopeless in what you have given her heart. In a moment the battle line was drawn again. I looked in her eyes as she spoke and the fire that once was there to help others as become a fire of anger towards you. That is a scary and treacherous place to be.



We drove the kids to school and as we dropped off mini -me to head towards the freeway to get her to work. She looks over and asks "Is there something wrong?" I reply "I can't explain it." We drive further down the road. Silent Night plays on the radio at a stop light I turn off the radio. Look at her to tell her that her frustration is becoming Anger towards you. That I am worried that she will soon turn away from you for your lack of silence in our life. I tell her how I have gone from asking you for things to thanking you for what you have given and the peace it seems to bring. The freeway was jammed so we took the back road to her work. I spoke as did she.



Tears welled up in her eyes as she spoke. The frustration and anger coming out as each tear fell. The worry making her voice tremble as she spoke. You were there. You heard her speak. You heard the anger she is feeling towards the world and you. You know the foot hold that brings. Love conquers all. Yet, as I dropped her off and drove back home I felt the pain in my stomach rise.



As I sit here writing I listen to the song play over and over each word hits me in a crashing wave. I have no answers but to love her more. I just feel so fucking helpless. I want to fight but I don't know whom or what to fight. I write this out to you Lord. The words to Open the Eyes of my Heart come out the speakers at me. My belly fills as I feel it constrict and tense up. You spoke to me in the middle of the night in one song. Now I listen to this one asking that you open my eyes. That you open the eyes of my beloved to show us that you are in fact presently in love with us. That we are not stuck in some boat out in the middle of purgatory's ocean. Just sitting there. Casted aside in some Heavenly solitary confinement.



Is it my silence you ask for? Do I just need to be with in the quiet and hear your voice there? What does a Warrior do when he doesn't know is enemy or if he is his own enemy? Do I fight with all you have given me in this life to go down to the very gates of the lake of fire and have yet another fight with Evil. How do I fight for my beloved so she can see that you are in fact here. Throw me a bone here. I am not lo9st. I am just some where that isn't where I should be. My hands feel tied. My heart feels conflicted and convicted. All because of what? No employment..

"I am finding myself at a loss for words

and the funny thing is it's okay.

The last thing I need is to be heard

but to hear what you would say.

Word of God Speak

Would you pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see your Majesty

To be still and know

that you in this place

Please let me stay and rest in your holiness

Word of God speak.

I am finding myself in the midst of you

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that we need is to be you

And in the quiet hear your voice.

I am finding myself at a loss for words

and it's okay. "

Lyrics by Mercy Me